To Model or not to Model...

According to Healthyplace.com, "An estimated 5- to 10-million females and 1-million males are battling an eating disorder in the U.S. Eighty-seven percent of the estimated with eating disorders are younger than 20."

In my GirlSpire classes I have an activity that I like to have all the girls do on the first day. They get up on the microphone and introduce themselves to the group - they say their name, one great thing about themselves, they share an embarrassing story, and then it's open mic! I'm always surprised at what they say... I had a girl a few months back who said "I'm 8, and I think I might have an eating disorder"

What??? Did I hear that right? I thought to myself... YOU'RE 8!

As it turns out, it doesn't matter how old our daughters are - an eating disorder can strike at any age.

Among all the pressures our daughters feel while growing up, there is one we can control... and that is ourselves. How many times have we looked at ourselves in the mirror and thought "I look terrible today, or I need to lose some weight"?? We may not think our girls pick up on these feelings, but they do. We model our insecurities for our them to see, and that is not healthy for any of us.

Next time you find yourself in the mirror, decide what you want to model! Instead of noticing the negative, make an effort to compliment yourself... it might go further than you think.

Crush and be crushed...

For Moms:

Do you remember your first crush? Or even your second or third? We all have those special memories that consumed us what ever the age. It took over our whole life and every waking moment was devoted to that person (even if they never knew we existed)!

Now that I'm older and I reflect back on these precious moments, I wonder what my mom must have been thinking during this time? She always kept her thoughts private unless I asked for advice. It's as if she knew I was "feeling deeply" and she let me be. She never said, "Oh it's just a stupid crush" or "Your so young you don't know what love is"... I needed that at the time and even now looking back I'm thankful for the space and understanding she gave me.

I can only hope that my children feel as deeply and have those same feelings of love, longing and loss - Each encounter is so very special, and we must remember that without them we are not who we are today. So lift up your daughters when they're consumed by love and loss - and remember the times you felt the same.

Teach your daughters to hold all their "first loves" and special crushes close to their hearts. I still hold on tight to mine.

Reaching our daughters...

At a certain point our kids shut down... you get the one word answers to questions like:

- How's school? Fine.
- Anything new? No.
- Need to talk about anything? No.

I think it's bound to happen, but the question is: What can we do besides pull our hair out and worry about how they are "really" doing?

There are so many issues today like "cyber bullying", teen pregnancy, peer pressure, drugs, etc. How can we tell if our daughters are really doing ok? Here are a few strategies to try during your next conversation with your daughter:

1. Listen! Sometimes we think we are listening but really... we're not. Let them talk, and count to 10 before you say anything!!! As women, we tend to discover the answer to our problems as we talk. So if your daughter starts to talk about something don't speak! Instead listen and acknowledge, and whatever you do DON'T offer advice unless she asks you (And I mean she comes out and says "Mom, what do you think?") Even then she is not looking to us to solve her problem - rather she is looking for alternatives. So a great response would be "I'm not sure what I would do. What would you like to see happen in this situation? What do you think would be the best outcome?."

2. Get her to solve her own problems during your conversations by asking questions. You're job is to guide her to the answer not offer suggestions. As soon as we open our mouths they tend to clam up!

3. Don't judge her actions. Remember when they come to us they come because we love them unconditionally... they get enough judgment from their peers.

Although these things can be difficult to do in conversation, practice them. Because the more you do the more she will confide in you. Be patient with her and yourself.

The future is "girl."

I came across an amazing article based on the thoughts of Eve Ensler, for those of you who don't know her she a well known feminist but made her mark with The Vagina Monologues. This article gave me goose bumps...

Imagine girl is a cell that each of us -- boys and girls -- are born with. Imagine this girl cell is central to the evolution of our species and an assurance of the continuation of the human race.

Now imagine that a few powerful people, invested in owning this world, understood that the oppression of this cell was key to retaining their power, so they reinterpreted this cell, undermining its value and making us believe that it is weak. They initiated a process to crush, eradicate, annihilate, humiliate, belittle, censor, reduce and kill off the girl cell.

This was called patriarchy.

Imagine girl is a chip in the huge microcosm of our collective consciousness, which is essential to the balance, wisdom and future of humanity.
Buying a girl is cheaper than buying a cow in many places.


Imagine that girl is the part of each of us that feels compassion, empathy, passion, intensity, association, relationship, emotion, play, resistance, vulnerability, intuitive intelligence, vision.

Imagine that compassion informs wisdom. That vulnerability is our greatest strength. That emotions have inherent logic and lead to radical saving action.

Now remember that those in power essentially taught us and conditioned us to believe the opposite:

Compassion clouds your thinking.

Vulnerability is weakness.

Emotions are not to be trusted.

Don't take things personally.

To be a boy means not to be a girl.

To be a man means not to be a girl.

To be strong means not to be a girl.

To be a woman means not to be a girl.

To be a leader means not to be a girl.

It must be very powerful to be a girl if everyone Is taught not to be one.

Having traveled the planet for 12 years, visiting more than 60 countries and living in the rape mines of the world, I have been with girls. I have witnessed their realities.

I have seen girls with knife wounds and cigarette burns, treated like garbage, beaten by their brothers and fathers and boyfriends and mothers, starving themselves to death to look the way they are supposed to look -- which is close to invisible.
I have witnessed across this planet ... the wild natural resiliency, fierceness, grace and nobility of girl.

We are so accustomed to prohibiting girls from being the subjects of their own life that we have turned them into objects: commodities in the marketplace, bodies to be bought and sold and plundered and married off or raped in war. Buying a girl is cheaper than buying a cow in many places.

I have been with boys as well, watched as they have been ridiculed, censored and abused for their tenderness, their doubts, their grief, their need for comfort and protection. I have seen how the tyranny of masculinity has forced boys and then men to cut off their hearts and cast them into a brutal, lonely state of disassociation and isolation.

The state of girl, the condition of girl -- in the world and in us -- will determine if this species survives.

I believe unleashing the intensity of girl, the outrage of girl, the passion of girl, is the only way to chip away the thick sludge of denial, oppression and indifference that has led to our insane acceptance of a world spinning us toward our end.

What I have witnessed across this planet is the wild natural resiliency, fierceness, grace and nobility of girl.

The girl cell is our greatest resource, a renewable, untapped energy field like the wind. It is there for us, if we activate it and allow it to resist, dare, challenge, feel and connect.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Eve Ensler.

Divorce at 8 yrs old...

An eight-year-old girl from Saudi Arabia has been granted a divorce from her 50-year-old husband. The girl's marriage was arranged by her father and backed twice by a judge on the condition that it was not consummated until she reached puberty.

Her mother, who is separated from the father, objected to the arrangement and twice sought a divorce on her daughter's behalf. The case was widely publicized and prompted heated debate in the country, which is currently giving more rights to women than have previously been granted. It was also condemned by human rights groups abroad.

This serves as a strong reminder that now more than ever it is time to support our girls in all areas of the world. Child marriage contravenes accepted international standards of human rights.


* based on an article written by Richard Spencer in Dubai

The Biggest Loser...

I watched the last episode of the Biggest Loser before the finale last night and was taken back by the message I kept hearing over and over... "Make it to the final four"!

As a martial artist and fitness expert, I find it disturbing that the goal stops at winning the prize. Perhaps it was the producers making it look that way which is ALWAYS a possibility. I hope so, but it seems in 'real life' it happens all too often.

Why is it that so many of us focus on the "end goal" when it's the journey that makes us who we are?? Challenge yourself to dismiss the end goal, and focus on the road ahead... look around, see the sights and take it all in. Because once the journey is over... that's it.

Calling All Parents... A Challenge for you!

Trying to see it from your daughter’s point-of-view can be difficult. Compromise is key! In one of the chapters of GS we talk about family relationships, the good the bad and the ugly. This chapter starts with a few questions that the girls must answer about their parents… for example:

1. What is your mom’s favorite color
2. What makes your mom/dad really happy?
3. What do you love about your mom/dad?
4. What drives you crazy about them?

These may seem like ridiculous questions, but its a great way to spring board into an honest conversation. My challenge to you is this: Create your own questionnaire and see if you can answer questions about your daughter (basically it will give you a gauge on how well you know her… since they change so quickly). If she agrees to it, have her do the same and sit down and compare notes – this kind of open communication goes a LONG way – even if you don’t feel like you’re making progress, you are.

What is GS?

From the moment we enter this world until the day we depart we are bombarded with information from ideas, advice, advertisements and promotions, to should’s and shouldn’ts. As we age most of us learn to separate out what information is useful to us and what isn’t.

Now imagine you are a girl, and you are 8… the world looks very different. Your hopes and dreams can be built and crushed hour to hour, your best friend holds the key to some of your biggest decisions, and your life is ruled by… well definitely NOT you. Setting a solid foundation at 8 years old for how you can be and want to be and interact in this life seems impossible, but is more necessary today than ever before.

It’s a known fact that during adolescence, girls‘ self-esteem drops about twice as much as boys, with varying theories and statistics as to why. Is it body image? School? Family? Friends? All of the above? Laying the foundation for how we relate and maintain relationships with “all of the above” is what GirlSpire is all about. Taking action now to create, analyze, improve and maintain those relationships in a way that inspires and empowers young girls.